I really don't know where to begin. These past two weeks have been quite a roller coaster of emotions, ups and downs, and challenges. The best part, and the one we never lose sight of, is the love that grows for our daughter. I now understand the type of love that exists between parent and child. It has surpassed every expectation I have had about love. It's the greatest one there is, and I am so happy to be a mom and to see Tim thrive as a dad. My heart has doubled in size.
Learning my new role as mom, hasn't come without challenges. And there have been plenty. I got the baby blues after leaving the hospital. I was on such a high after the delivery and birth of our daughter, by the time I came home, I didn't know how to feel. I was thrown into motherhood and taking care of my baby's every need. I hit a breaking point when Jillian was only 5 days old. She must have been gassy, because nothing seemed to be soothing her and she would not stop crying. That night I called my mom in tears. I couldn't stop crying. It must have been the hardest cry I have cried in my life, but my mom just sat on the phone telling me it was okay to cry. That night when we put Jillian down for bed, she let us sleep a total of 5 hours straight. She must have known that I needed the sleep, because the next day I woke up feeling rested. In that moment, I told myself that I can do this, no matter what she throws at me. My daughter has become the most important"job" of my life and I need to realize that it's all new. Learning and figuring things out is what this whole parenting thing is about.
During the blissful moments, Tim and I just stare in awe at our daughter. She is so incredibly cute. She is so much more alert than she was when we first brought her home. The mornings seem to be the time of the day where she is most cheerful. After I wake her up, feed her and change her, she loves to sit in her swing and just stare at the world. My favorite moments are those snuggled in bed with her, chatting with her or reading to her. Her cooing and soft noises are the most precious sounds, and I love watching her many facial expressions. Her little personality is already coming out, and we see it every day. She is extremely independent and strong. She isn't shy, and is very vocal when she needs something. She has a very soft & sweet side to her when she isn't anxious. When she is fed with a clean diaper she will relax in my arms and just stare into my eyes. I melt every time.
I can't believe how hard it is to find the time to do anything anymore!! I manage to take a shower every day, but after that 15 minutes of alone time, I never leave Jillian's side. Through diaper changes, feedings, pumping, play time, and snuggle time, daylight turns to dark and it's time for bed. Tim and I usually get a moment of alone time around 9 pm, but usually by then, we are exhausted and ready for bed ourselves. Tim has been cooking every night, and we have had a few friends drop in and make us dinner. I am lucky that Tim is off on leave through mid January. His support has been vital to my sanity. He changes the majority of the diapers and is a pro at swaddling!! Because he has been so great, I am okay when he leaves the house to meet up with friends to body board or grab drinks.
Me on the other hand, well that is a different story. I have spent the majority of my time at home, with the exception of one outing to the grocery store and one outing to Target (solo). I am not yet ready to expose Jillian to the outside world ---- worried mom here! With the holidays and everyone out and about, I don't want her exposed to germs. We are planning a trip to visit my parents coming up, and I am really looking forward to that.
My blogging will most likely pick up after the holidays. We still need to get Miss Jillian on a schedule, and need to figure out a plan for mom (aka ME!!) to get more sleep. I plan on posting my birth story, in fact I have already started writing it. I also plan on writing a post about my breastfeeding woes. In the meantime, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope it's spent with loved ones, and I hope you all get VERY spoiled :)
And before I sign off, here are a ton of pictures of Jillian. Enjoy!!!